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United States of America
The United States of America was founded by the Founding Fathers, Jack Bauer, Jesus, Ewoks, and Chuck Norris in 1775. It is viewed as the the Israel for Christians, as was believed by the first Governor of Taxaxhusetts John Winthrop. It is widely acknowledged to be the greatest country in the history of the world. It is located on the continent of North America. America's Accomplishments The accomplishments of the nation of America include, but are by no means limited to: * Making Adolf Hitler shoot himself in the head * Suing McDonalds for making people fat * Billion dollar research grants to help old men get boners * Protecting the children from black women's breasts * Billions invested in enlarging breasts so they'll be noticed no matter what the woman wears * Fighting for freedom * Millions in tax breaks to oil companies * Supporting revolutions against very, very, very evil leftist South American governments to install gentle dictators such as the delightful Augusto Pinochet * Not educating the idiot above me who misspelled 'resolutions'. * Not educating the idiot above me who didn't realize the guy above him really did mean "revolutions." * Not launching atomic bombs only to impress the Soviets * Not educating the idiot above me who thinks that the way to use atomic bombs is to "launch" them. * Liberating Iraq * Kicking ass * Taking names (in that order) * Trying to get cancer daily. * Creating an alliance with God to create the world in Seven Days. God is presently working with his his dad's experts on an exit strategy. * Defeating commies in Vietnam, Korea, and Ye Olde Soviet Russia * Babying those pansyass French * Inventing Baseball * Hiding extraterrestrial aliens from the rest of the world * Winning the Battle of 9/11 * Winning the War on Christmas * Being the home of one of the most truthiest news stations in existance (Fox News) The War of Independence (see main article United States Independence Day for more information) The United States was officially founded on July 4 some time many years ago after a long and arduous struggle against the British Empire and the forces of $cientology, i.e. Tom Cruise. This war was World War 0, and it was a very big war. The French Indian War Somewhere in the 1700's America was forced to defend it sovreignty against the intrusive french and their indian friends. With superiour technology and leadership, America pushed the surrender monkeys into the frigid, bear infested, regions of Canada. Some may say that it was the British who fought the war with the French. But this is not true. They only participated in a supporting role cleaning up the bodies of French combatants as George Washington led the Americans in decisive battle after battle. As a gesture of good will George Washington gave the British rule over Canada. Noted Heroes of the War of Independence and All That it Stands for * George Washington * Stephen Colbert * George W. Bush * Jesus H. Christ * The Baby Jesus * Truthiness Monkeys * Killer * Moses *That Guy who played Moses * Chuck Norris * Sylvester Stallone * Luke Skywalker * Obi-Wan Kenobi * Jack Bauer *Ted Nugent *Mike Nugent (Ted's Son) Noted Villians of the War of Independence Against All That it Stands for * Satan * The Baby Satan * Bears * Bill Clinton * The Clenis * Hillary Clinton * Canadians * Jane Fonda * Harrison Ford * Robert Redford * Hollywood * Democratic Party * Nancy Pelosi * Liberals * Communist Party * Al Franken * Barbra Streisand Porn-Motivated Technology from the United States For the "gifts" America has given the world, please click here. Example: 'gifts' (Pam Anderson's Boobs);'inventions' (Fake Boobs) * Camcorders * VHS tapes and Home Video Player/Recorders * Digital video * streaming on-line video * the NSA * satellite surveillence * T3H INT3RW3BZ, LOL! * Fried foods * wardrobe malfunctions * cum-cleen * washing machines * camera phones * pocket pussy * anything from the Doc Johnson product line * hand lotion * computers * MySpace * IMs * Republican Congressmen *Gummy worms * The Donald Non-Porn-Motivated Technology from the United States * Movies based on Broadway plays/musicals or foreign movies or TV shows * Space Travel * War, war and war * weather manipulation * reality TV * unreality TV (see O'Reilly Factor) * the clapper * MIB * Talk radio *Everything Kickass *All sports, except Hockey and Soccer *Guns *Beer * Potent Marijuana * Poor People * Outstanding Levees in New Orleans * HIV infected Hookers * Woody Allen